# Funny



## JonM




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## Alfred E.M.

*What a Clinton-Sanders ticket would look like ...*


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## treefork

View attachment 98767


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## treefork

View attachment 98771


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## quarterinmynose

I though funny and entertaining things were banned? But I suppose these political memes are pretty weak sauce.....hopefully this will soon snowball into the good stuff.


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## Viper010

Remember guys, no girly pics, no matter how funny! ????


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## Phoul Mouth

I think it is funny that people still actually think it matters who the president is.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Viper010

True story? If not it's still a darn good joke, but if it is.... That's a whole 'nother category... ????


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

It's kinda tough putting these in with my 1020 but I'm glad I found the jokes.
I have lots.


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## Bill W

I hot mad trying to upload a pic I'd taken and couldn't so I'll do a joke instead.

I was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Gaelic, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"


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## JonM




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## Bill W

I quit drinking 20 years ago or I'd be a yoga guy, too.
Here ya go.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well, you started it.'


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## Bill W

Here's another one.

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."


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## Alfred E.M.




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## Bill W

Sven, Ole and Lars had been going to the Norwegian club for years and never won the door prize.
There by coincidence they each won three months in a row. Sven won a new tackle box, Lars won tickets to a concert by the Eyedrop triplets in Duluth, and Olie won a new toilet brush.
A week later they were discussing their winnings and asked one another how they enjoyed the prizes.
Sven said he really loved the tackle box, he had been fishing several time and the fish were nearly jumping in the boat.
Lars said he really enjoyed the Eyedrop triplets concert. He said, "They are really good singers, are beautiful, and look so much alike they could be sisters:.
They asked Olie how he liked his new toilet brush. He said, "Vell, it is a good brush, as good as they come, but I think I might go back to toilet paper".


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## Bill W

I've been a little busy and haven't figured out how to do a like yet but I do thank you guys for yours. In the meantime have another joke.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


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## JonM




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## Bill W

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell *you!*" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........****
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.


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## Bill W

A recent study shows the type of face a woman finds attractive on a man depends on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, women during ovulation find a man with a rugged look to his face with a masculine jaw and piercing eyes more appealing.
On the other hand, during menstruation they are more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth, a spear lodged in his chest, and on fire.
Further studies are pending.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

Hey Jon. The above is great. I absolutely agree with the notion of sanity.
I got an email before on how to do likes but junked it and then forgot what it said. Crap.
Thanks for sending another one.


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## JonM




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## JonM

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## Bill W

What a day. I just got home and settled in. I'm beat.
I'll still do a contribution though.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."


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## Bill W

Good morning. Long day ahead again today.
Figured I'd put one out there before I start.

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our faith were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know señor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No señor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, señor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Señor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Señor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."


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## JonM




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## Bill W

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, 
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. 
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER F****** STOP?!'


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


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## Bill W

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish, better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:
If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.


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## Bill W

Two old men figure they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at a local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. 
These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference. I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs to take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says 'You know, I think my girl was dead.'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'
His friend says 'Could be worse. I think mine was a witch.'
'A witch? Why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out of the window. Took my teeth with her.'


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## Bill W

So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________
**************
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow."Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic streetcorner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was thehooker!Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?"


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## JonM




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## Bill W

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


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## JonM




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## Bill W

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the plane climbed to cruising altitude and the seat belt sign was turned off, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cellular telephone.
She started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the plane. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone:
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cellular phone in public any longer.


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## Bill W

Yep, I'm a vet and it's Memorial day.

Why apologize to ingrates? Patriots handle negative comments about our country. 
The current American president and other politicians run right out and apologize for our country's prior actions. 
Here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?" DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in England ,at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. 
The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. 
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? 
He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 
"Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people. 
They are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities.
They have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day.
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day.
They carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. 
We have eleven such ships.. how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies At a cocktail reception.
He found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. 
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. 
He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" 
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. 
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. 
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." 
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" 
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look Then he quietly explained, 
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


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## Alfred E.M.




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## Henry the Hermit

quarterinmynose said:


> I though funny and entertaining things were banned? But I suppose these political memes are pretty weak sauce.....hopefully this will soon snowball into the good stuff.


Nope, funny and entertaing are not banned. Gross, disgusting, juvenile, pornographic, etc. are though.


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## Bill W

Thanks Henry.
I admit to coming a little close to the line with a couple of my posts. 
I apologize if I have offended anyone.
I have tried to offer up only my more moderate items and hope they've been found acceptable.
I have benefitted from posts I've seen in ssf, have received my tbg and am ready to begin 2 separate projects. My posts are a new member's payment for the knowledge I've gotten here.
That along with my thanks.

All my best,
Bill


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow. He drives to Nortdakota, finds the farm, and looks at the cow (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non - Scandahoovians).
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs her teat and pulls ... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does squirt out however, so after some discussion Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches down, pulls her teat - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nortdakota, didn't yah?"
Ole is so surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
"Yah, dats right ......... But how did you know?"
Sven: "My wife's from Nortdakota."


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## Bill W

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."


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## Bill W

I'm on a good mood tonight. Have another one.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”


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## treefork

Never forget where you came from .


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## JonM




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## Bill W

Because the American Indian Counsel has requested the NFL disassociate itself from Indian names, the Washington Redskins
have announced that they will change their name to the Washington Foreskins, in honor of all the dickheads in Washington DC.


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## Viper010

I don't know about you guys, but I've had my fill of political "funnies".

The only thing "funny" about this (I put funny in quotations because it's actually disturbing and disgusting) is that most people still don't seem to realize it doesn't make any difference if you elect Berny Sandcastle, Billary, or Tronald Dump. You WILL be screwed over.

What America, and in deed all the world, need to realize is WE DON'T NEED the so called "leadership" of these self legitimizing thieves and terrorists to lead our lives. Politicians and other rich ####holes will only ever serve the needs of politicians and other rich ####holes. Period.

Now, can we PLEASE get back to the funny stuff? Politics give me indigestion and headaches.


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## Cjw

I'm sensing the on set of butt hurt from people ? The people are upset with the way things are and this is a way of venting frustration.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JonM




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## Viper010

It's your jokes I like. Politics and the associated memes have gotten very very old a very very long time ago. To me anyway.

Also, I do not care what camp people choose to support and which to ridicule. All politicians should be burned at the stake if you ask me. Also, the most recent occasion I got seriously butt hurt was New Year's eve, when I fell and broke my tail bone.

But if the general consensus is, that politics and the associates memes are funny, I will do something I've never seen ANY politician do. I shall resign myself to the democratic majority, or the republican majority, whichever may be the case. Carry on ladies n gents.


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## Bill W

Again I disagree.
We need good people to lead us.
We do not need rulers to dictate their whims expecting immediate compliance.


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## JonM




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## Alfred E.M.

*Viper, while I respect you Bud,* *t**his isn't the first time you've vehemently attacked political memes with unrealistic anarchist views - '* *What the world needs to realize is that we don't need politicians to lead our lives ... all politicians should be burned at the stake' etc. Never going to happen, why do you give life to these thoughts. If the thread gives you indigestion and headaches, why don't you stop reading it instead of trying to limit the parameters for everyone else.*

*This election is dynamic and crucial. The rest of the world leaders should be rattled because the American gravy train is about to end. Period.*


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## JonM




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## treefork




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## treefork




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## JonM




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## treefork




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## Chuck Daehler

Glad a funny thread restarted...I've only got thru the first two pages and my sides hurt. I am happy to see so many slams contra the Damocrats and especially sir Hillary. rock on!


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## Chuck Daehler

Another one not voting for Sir Hillary...


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## Bill W

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details".
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that
the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track
down the father, can you please send me his phone number?
Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.
8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more tv rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might
have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


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## Bill W

I had a heck of a time putting that last one together.
I need some range time.


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## JonM




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## Bill W

One of my favorites. 
Yall can have it tonight.

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with along cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader. As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said,"This is not what you promised me." 
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. 
What did you think I said?"


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## JonM




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## Bill W

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 69 years ago, 
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO)with five aliens 
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New 
Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered 
up

by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations (the 
USAF

CALLED IT PROJECT BLUE BOOK-HEADQUARTERED AT WRIGHT-
PATTERSON AFB-OHIO).

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine 
months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of things for you.


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## Bill W

How to Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surface in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stay on bathmat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

Due to the popularity of the Survivor's shows, Idaho is planning to do its own show, title "Survivor Idaho Style."
The contestants will start in Pocatello, travel over to Blackfoot. Then they will head up to Idaho Falls and Rexburg.
From there they will proceed on to St. Anthony, and Salmon. Then they will go west to Challis, Stanley and over to Riggins through McCall.
From Riggins they will go back down to Cambridge, Weiser, over to Payette and Fruitland. They would travel through Caldwell, Nampa and Boise, taking I-84 to Mountain Home, Jerome and Twin Falls.
The final leg will be through Burley, Rupert, American Falls, ending back in Pocatello.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a LARGE bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans Suck. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one that makes it back to Pocatello alive, wins.
Good luck to all contestants!!!


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## Bill W

Many people over 50 are apparently quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. 
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

01. A nose ring and bifocals

02. Spiked hair and bald spots

03. A pierced tongue and dentures

04. Miniskirts and support hose

05. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

06. Speedo's and cellulite

07. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

08. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

09. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last but most importantly:

13. Thongs and Depends


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## Bill W

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. 
For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"


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## Bill W

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. 
Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. 
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard. 
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started...


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

A bear and a rabbit sitting side by side in the woods taking a crap. The bear says to the rabbit. Say man, when you take a dump, does crap stick to your fur? Rabbit replies, no, not at all. 
So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with him.


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## Bill W

Hillary Clinton and the Pope are sharing a huge stage at a gathering in New York, where thousands of people have come to see them speak.
The Pope leans in to Hillary and says, "Did you know that with just one wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd ecstatic with joy? The joy will not be temporary, but instead will go deep into their hearts and be remembered for the rest of their lives."
Hillary, looking at the Pope with skepticism, says "If you can really do that, then show me." 
The Pope reaches out and backhands Hillary, knocking her off the stage. The crowd roars while the Pope looks down at Hillary and says, "I told you I could do it!"


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

I worked like a dog today so I'm tired and screwed this one up.
It's hell getting old.


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## Bill W

How to say " I Love You " in 25 languages

English 
I Love You

Spanish 
Te Amo

French 
Je T'aime

German 
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese 
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai 
Phom rak khun

Italian 
Ti amo

Chinese 
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish 
Jag Alskar

Alabama 
Arkansas 
Kansas 
Oklahoma 
Texas 
North Carolina 
South Carolina 
Georgia 
Tennessee 
Missouri 
Mississippi 
Louisiana 
Virginia 
West Virginia 
Kentucky 
and Southern Illinoisy,

Nice Ass , Get in the truck.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM

Any idea what type of bird? Looks too big for an eagle, May be a condor.


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## Yosemite Sam

JonM said:


>


John, this nails it on the head. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## treefork

Not funny but will affect us in a big way . As long as we're talking politics .

http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-nightclub-shooting/


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## JonM




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## Bill W

I'm way too mad for jokes....again.
I'm going camping up north. See yall next week sometime.


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## roirizla

Bill W said:


> I'm way too mad for jokes....again.
> I'm going camping up north. See yall next week sometime.


Deceptive thread. Nothing funny here.


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## Imperial

@Bill W- some people are born without a funny bone.


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## roirizla

Imperial said:


> @Bill W- some people are born without a funny bone.


Don't be too hard on him, he said he'd try better next time.


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## JonM




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## Yosemite Sam

Creepy! LOL

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Henry the Hermit

Don't call other members "whiners". It will get your post deleted. Don't quote posts which attack others.


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## treefork




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## treefork




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## treefork




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Yosemite Sam

JonM said:


>


Actually it seems that I remember something about cotton in the medicine bottle was going to be banned a few years ago for that very reason. Don thin anything ever became of it though.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## treefork




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Yosemite Sam

Yosemite Sam said:


> JonM said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Actually it seems that I remember something about cotton in the medicine bottle was going to be banned a few years ago for that very reason. Don thin anything ever became of it though.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I found it, as it turns out the claim was false per Snopes.

http://www.snopes.com/south-carolina-ban-tylenol/

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Henry the Hermit

Guys, some of you are stepping over the "keep it clean" line. Clean it up or lose it.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

Holy shít...did Henry die?!


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## Tentacle Toast

JonM said:


>


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

I'm back.
A week of camping in the Adirondacks and some range time with some friends.
There isn't anything better that I know of.
Hope everyone's well.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

It was a dark and cloudy night when a drunk, cutting through the cemetery on his way home, stumbled into a grave that had been left open in preparation for a funeral the next morning.
He picked himself up and tried to climb out, but the sheer walls and lack of footing prevented him from making it, Finally, giving up, he curled up in one end and fell asleep.
He had no sooner fell asleep than another fellow happened along, and also fell in, landing in the other end, fortunately.
The second man struggled to his feet and began trying to climb out, having no more luck than had the first man.
After he had made several attempts, the drunk reached out and grabbed his ankle, (in the pitch black darkness) and said,
"You're never going to get out of here." 
Right. The guy made it out the very next try.


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## Viper010

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1466379992466.jpg


Welcome back Toastman! Glad to see ur OK.


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

In northern Wisconsin there is a small town populated by descendants of Scandinavian immigrants. The Swedes and the Norwegians do not get along.
Each year at the 4th of July parade the Swedes line up on one side of Main Street, the Norwegians on the other.
The Swedes like to throw firecrackers across the street at the Norwegians. The Norwegians pick them up, light them, and throw 'em back.


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## JonM

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

"It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




----------



## JonM

http://i1.wp.com/www.bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/*******-word-of-the-day_small.jpg


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## treefork




----------



## Bill W

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


----------



## Bill W

My Name Is Nancy And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy with The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 45-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School. "yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1969. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray-haired, Decrepit Man Asked, "What Did You Teach?"


----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Yosemite Sam

Bill W said:


> My Name Is Nancy
> 
> <snip>
> 
> "When did you graduate?" I asked.
> He answered, "in 1969. Why do you ask?"
> "You were in my class!" I Exclaimed.
> He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray-haired, Decrepit Man Asked, "What Did You Teach?"


That's funny, the year I graduated. Hummmm, I wonder do I look that old too?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bill W

I graduated in 72.
I've got the gray hair but otherwise I'm in good shape.
Still plenty good enough for Adirondack hills.
I figure they'll probably find me up there some spring still posted in full camo with the 300.


----------



## JonM




----------



## Bill W

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees. What powerful rivers. What beautiful animals." He said to himself.
As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."


----------



## Bill W

I'd also like to send along my congratulations to the UK on their historic vote.
We need many more people like Nigel Farage and I believe we're going to be seeing more stepping up.
God save the Queen...if she's for true freedom.


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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Bill W

Great post Mr. Toast.
Gallagher is insane. You realize that the first minute of listening to him.


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

I'm wrong. I had William Gallagher, the British Communist, mixed up with George Galloway, the imbecile. Both were commie British politicians. The post above concerns Matt Gallagher, a sheep.


----------



## Tentacle Toast

...anyone else buying low? I sense great profits ahaed...


----------



## Bill W

it crossed my mind but i'm not doing anything while zero's still in office.


----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Bill W said:


> it crossed my mind but i'm not doing anything while zero's still in office.


Capitalise on the uncertainty, friend...


----------



## Bill W

plenty of uncertainty yet to come to be taken advantage of.

i believe i'll wait this dance out.


----------



## Bill W

Free Tickets

I have 10 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at 'The Swamp' in Gainesville, Florida this weekend if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 500 Obama supporters with a bull dozer.


----------



## JonM




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## JonM




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## Bill W

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."


----------



## JonM




----------



## Bill W

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




----------



## Bill W

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. 
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!! " and possibly have a small present for me. 
As it turned out she barely said good morning let alone "Happy Birthday." 
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... 
They will remember. 
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" 
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. 
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, 
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." 
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. 
But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. 
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful 
day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?" 
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." 
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." 
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, 
after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... 
Followed 
by my wife, 
my kids, 
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, 
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## treefork




----------



## Bill W

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. 
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" 
American #in a bad mood#: "Of course." 
Frenchman: #after blowing a huge bubble# "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. 
The American listens in silence. 
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" 
American: "Of Course." 
Frenchman: #cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling#. "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States." 
After a moment of silence, the American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" 
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. 
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" 
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." 
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."


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## JonM




----------



## Bill W

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" 
Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"


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## JonM




----------



## Bill W

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. So we are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'


----------



## Tentacle Toast

Bill W said:


> Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
> Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

Did I mention that I used to be married?

A man was leaving a coffee shop with his morning coffee in hand, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession advancing along the street.
First came a coffin inside a long black hearse. Then, from about 10 meters behind, it was followed by a second long black hearse carrying another coffin. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her.'
A thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Bill W

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are scum and addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering you and your problems."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
He answered, "Well, whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I take them to the recycling center."


----------



## Bill W

I just went through these to see what I'd already used and noticed a couple of my reply posts have been deleted.

- sad but true.


----------



## Henry the Hermit

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1467080511348.jpg


What a beautiful woman. Is she some relation to you? From the hair style and the 48 star flag, I assume this picture is from the 40s.


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## treefork




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## treefork




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## Tentacle Toast

Henry in Geneva said:


> Tentacle Toast said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1467080511348.jpg
> 
> 
> 
> What a beautiful woman. Is she some relation to you? From the hair style and the 48 star flag, I assume this picture is from the 40s.
Click to expand...

No, just saw the pic in a "girls with guns" thread somewhere, & thought the same. She beat out all the bikinis, in my opinion (& doesn't even have a gun).


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Viper010

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1467240833106.jpg


This would be funny, if it wasn't so darn true.... Nice find bro


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## SlingshotBill

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## Tentacle Toast

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1467658543279.jpg


...forgot to mention that it's just bread; don't be a pússy, Henry...it's not like cake & Barbie dolls... :rofl:


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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## Imperial




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## Tentacle Toast

I shuddered at that...eeewwww..


----------



## Viper010

Shuddered? Dude, I came close to losing my lunch....


----------



## Yosemite Sam

The last post should be listed under "Off topic - Scary". Truly frightening to know that something like this really exists.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Imperial

Tentacle Toast said:


> I shuddered at that...eeewwww..





Viper010 said:


> Shuddered? Dude, I came close to losing my lunch....





Yosemite Sam said:


> The last post should be listed under "Off topic - Scary". Truly frightening to know that something like this really exists.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


youre all welcome ! my work here is done, see ya'll laterz ! :bonk:


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## Tentacle Toast

I wonder how much I'll have to drink to forget about this one...


----------



## Yosemite Sam

Ummmmmmmm, and this woman wants to lead our country?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Emitto

Tentacle Toast said:


> I wonder how much I'll have to drink to forget about this one...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hillary.jpg


hmmmmmm the things i would to her!


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## Pilgrim




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## Yosemite Sam

Pilgrim said:


> 13592246_523688774498401_2971304569116235573_n.jpg


I like that idea. Donald, whatcha think?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




----------



## Alfred E.M.




----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Pilgrim




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Tentacle Toast

INGWAZ said:


> comedians-vs-politicians.jpg


I'm generally not a violent man, but that little ****** has one of the most punchable faces I've ever seen


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## pult421

Supersure that aint how they are made..


----------



## Pilgrim




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## treefork




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast

LoL, I don't know how prolific any of you are with the social medias, but this is worth spreading around any lib feeds you might know/troll...


----------



## pult421

Tentacle Toast said:


> INGWAZ said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> comedians-vs-politicians.jpg
> 
> 
> 
> I'm generally not a violent man, but that little **** has one of the most punchable faces I've ever seen
Click to expand...

 so punchable..!


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

Proly too soon, but...


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Pilgrim




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Pilgrim

HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED

Well this explains it!

Have you ever wondered whvy folks in Northern iCalifornia appear so confused?

Consider this:

Chief Heather Fong (left), is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.

Theresa Sparks (center), a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission, CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.

Sgt. Stephan Thorne (right), a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer.

Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.

ANY QUESTIONS ?


----------



## Alfred E.M.




----------



## JonM




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## JonM




----------



## JonM

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

I don't know why they would ever take a picture like this


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

JonM said:


>


Holy moly....people will actually do it; people saw this..







....& thought(?) it made sense:















Yes, this really happened.


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast

...look at all those horrible white people....


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## JonM

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1469048704077.png
> 
> ...look at all those horrible white people....


Apparently, ignorance is bliss :screwy:


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

JonM said:


>


...I like my women how I like my bourbon; aged twelve years, & all mixed up with coke...


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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Alfred E.M.

Tentacle Toast said:


> 1469300569073.jpg


*'Lil Jebby as Pocahontas ... LMAO! *


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## JonM




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Tentacle Toast

Imperial said:


>


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Alfred E.M.




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Mr. Monkeynipples said:


> 00N0N_bE4BNo4qjH_600x450.jpg
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 00l0l_cMSW5jjABK8_600x450.jpg


Jesus...that second pic; I'd laugh ifit didn't make me want to puke..


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast

...I hope this doesn't offend anyone's fine Christian senses, but I just thought this was an interesting photo...


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Imperial

when your buddies help you cut that perfect shaped slingshot fork


----------



## Imperial

RTS !


----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

I like my women how I like my WTC building 7; going down for no reason....


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM

The real Democratic Convention


----------



## JonM




----------



## Alfred E.M.

*Old Bondo Face wooing the frump contingent ...*


----------



## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM

One day Ole is sitting at home alone and hears a loud knock on the door. There are several sheriff's deputies standing there. Ole answers the door and asks if there is a problem?, one of the deputies replies, are you married and if so can we see a picture of your wife? Ole says of course and shows them the picture of his wife Lena. The sheriff says, Sir I'm afraid it looks like your wife has been hit by a semi-truck. Ole says, OH I know but she has a great set of tits and is an excellent cook.


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## JonM

A doctor on tv said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Grey Goose, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of rum, the remainder of Valiuminun scriptins, and a box a chocletz. You haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Send this to all who need inner ****. An telum u luvum.


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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast

JonM said:


>


This is shit, but it's also the reality of the situation. The fact of the matter is that the whole election scheme is a sham here in the US; the course of "leadership" has been predetermined for years to come.


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Click for best results...


----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Imperial




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## devils son in law

I went to a disco last night. They played the Twist, so I did the twist.

They played Jump, so I jumped

They played Come on Eileen....I got kicked out for that one! :iono:


----------



## Imperial




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## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Funny stuff right here...


----------



## JonM

typical mentality....


----------



## Tentacle Toast

It's not playing...click this pic, it's preddy gud


----------



## Tentacle Toast

...another one that's not playing on it's own for some reason...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

I dunno man, she's really drawing the crowds...


----------



## Tentacle Toast

...I really can't tell you how much I hate the fact that Trump is the best option we've got


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast

:rofl:


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




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## JonM




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## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Viper010

.


----------



## Tentacle Toast

Viper010 said:


> .


LoL, Garrison is hilarious..he's worse now than his imposter ever made him out to be. Truth, though...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Theslingshothunter

My friend recently told me I have too many guns I just sent him this


----------



## treefork




----------



## treefork




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

JonM said:


>


:rofl: I laughed harder than I should have at this


----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

...clic on pic...


----------



## Tentacle Toast

Same here, but proly funyer than the last 1


----------



## Tentacle Toast

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## Tentacle Toast

I still think it's more probable than possible that he's a plant...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Henry the Hermit

Tentacle Toast said:


> ...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...


I guess y'all need to try harder.


----------



## JonM




----------



## Imperial

Henry in Panama said:


> Tentacle Toast said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...
> 
> 
> 
> I guess y'all need to try harder.
Click to expand...

a challenge ?


----------



## Imperial




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## Imperial




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## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Imperial said:


> Henry in Panama said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tentacle Toast said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...
> 
> 
> 
> I guess y'all need to try harder.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> a challenge ?
Click to expand...

Dude, the last one got shut down for people in regular beachwear holding ATF compliant unmodified firearms...the challenge is to ban us  You know there's at least one guy out there who'd love nothing more...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Imperial

Tentacle Toast said:


> Imperial said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Henry in Panama said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tentacle Toast said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...
> 
> 
> 
> I guess y'all need to try harder.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> a challenge ?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Dude, the last one got shut down for people in regular beachwear holding ATF compliant unmodified firearms...the challenge is to ban us  You know there's at least one guy out there who'd love nothing more...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1472027091045.jpg
Click to expand...

just one person? i think theres still 2 or 3 on here that would love to see me banned.


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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Henry the Hermit

Tentacle Toast said:


> Imperial said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Henry in Panama said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tentacle Toast said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...thought we were gonna get shut down again for a minute there, fellas...
> 
> 
> 
> I guess y'all need to try harder.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> a challenge ?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Dude, the last one got shut down for people in regular beachwear holding ATF compliant unmodified firearms...the challenge is to ban us  You know there's at least one guy out there who'd love nothing more...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1472027091045.jpg
Click to expand...

If banning anyone was the goal, several of you have provided more than enough reason to be banned. You ignore, even flaunt, the rules, and keep testing the limit. No, the goal is to keep the feces in this cesspool at a low level.


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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast

...I could think of worse fates...


----------



## Tentacle Toast

LoLoL, clik


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




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## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

.

Uh, wrong one. Ha, sorry


----------



## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




----------



## treefork




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## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Here's one for the ladies...


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## treefork




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## JonM




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## Tentacle Toast




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## JonM




----------



## JonM




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## Alfred E.M.




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## Alfred E.M.




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## Pilgrim

Notice: Rule change for future SSOTM nominees.

In addition to the existing rules (as seen below) nominations will also be required to be accompanied by at least one photograph of the frame with bands attached to the forks in the intended manner by which it may be shot.

I realize this is a change that will not be available on all entries at this time. However, for this month I would ask that nominations be made normally and that those nominated without the required pic would then provide the required pic.

Our demise has been predicted many times in the past, Dedo. Whenever we change a rule, enforce a rule, or reply in kind to some trouble maker, our imminent destruction is foretold. The usual result is that the trouble makers go somewhere else and the Forum is better off.

If we were the Mafioso you accuse us of being, you would be gone for that one post. You can't publicly criticize the Mafia.

Yes, the owners, admins, and moderators decide the rules. If those rules are too restrictive for you, there are some Forums where there are none, or you could do as some former members have done, and form your own. I suggest you visit some of them and see if they tolerate being called Mafioso.

Existing rules:

Voting for any given Month is for slingshots posted in the previous month. eg Jan's comp is based on slingshots posted in December
Only slingshots that are posted on Slingshotforum.com are eligible for nomination. This post can be by The maker or by The recipient in the case of trades and gifts.
You may nominate a Slingshot from any registered member. This includes Vendors and Moderators
You must be a registered and validated member to nominate
Nominations must include at least 1 picture and a link to the original post
You may not nominate yourself.
Only 1 nomination per member.
There is absolutely no point in nominating a Slingshot that has already been nominated.
Nominations will be open during The first week of The month
Voting will occur during The second week of The month
1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners will be announced during The third week
A nominations thread as well as a discussion thread will be created each month. Please do not discuss nominations in The nomination thread. Posts of this type will be deleted
People may win consecutive months. If The community thinks they should not win consecutive months then simply do not vote for them
Winners will receive bragging rights and the exalted reputation that comes with such an achievement!


----------



## Imperial

Pilgrim said:


> Notice: Rule change for future SSOTM nominees.
> 
> In addition to the existing rules (as seen below) nominations will also be required to be accompanied by at least one photograph of the frame with bands attached to the forks in the intended manner by which it may be shot.
> 
> I realize this is a change that will not be available on all entries at this time. However, for this month I would ask that nominations be made normally and that those nominated without the required pic would then provide the required pic.
> 
> Our demise has been predicted many times in the past, Dedo. Whenever we change a rule, enforce a rule, or reply in kind to some trouble maker, our imminent destruction is foretold. The usual result is that the trouble makers go somewhere else and the Forum is better off.
> 
> If we were the Mafioso you accuse us of being, you would be gone for that one post. You can't publicly criticize the Mafia.
> 
> Yes, the owners, admins, and moderators decide the rules. If those rules are too restrictive for you, there are some Forums where there are none, or you could do as some former members have done, and form your own. I suggest you visit some of them and see if they tolerate being called Mafioso.
> 
> Existing rules:
> 
> Voting for any given Month is for slingshots posted in the previous month. eg Jan's comp is based on slingshots posted in December
> Only slingshots that are posted on Slingshotforum.com are eligible for nomination. This post can be by The maker or by The recipient in the case of trades and gifts.
> You may nominate a Slingshot from any registered member. This includes Vendors and Moderators
> You must be a registered and validated member to nominate
> Nominations must include at least 1 picture and a link to the original post
> You may not nominate yourself.
> Only 1 nomination per member.
> There is absolutely no point in nominating a Slingshot that has already been nominated.
> Nominations will be open during The first week of The month
> Voting will occur during The second week of The month
> 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners will be announced during The third week
> A nominations thread as well as a discussion thread will be created each month. Please do not discuss nominations in The nomination thread. Posts of this type will be deleted
> People may win consecutive months. If The community thinks they should not win consecutive months then simply do not vote for them
> Winners will receive bragging rights and the exalted reputation that comes with such an achievement!


this is the FUNNY thread not the b-hurt thread. this, :yeahthat: , needs to be moved to its appropriate place


----------



## Viper010

Imperial said:


> Pilgrim said:
> 
> 
> 
> Notice: Rule change for future SSOTM nominees.
> 
> In addition to the existing rules (as seen below) nominations will also be required to be accompanied by at least one photograph of the frame with bands attached to the forks in the intended manner by which it may be shot.
> I realize this is a change that will not be available on all entries at this time. However, for this month I would ask that nominations be made normally and that those nominated without the required pic would then provide the required pic.
> 
> Our demise has been predicted many times in the past, Dedo. Whenever we change a rule, enforce a rule, or reply in kind to some trouble maker, our imminent destruction is foretold. The usual result is that the trouble makers go somewhere else and the Forum is better off.
> 
> If we were the Mafioso you accuse us of being, you would be gone for that one post. You can't publicly criticize the Mafia.
> 
> Yes, the owners, admins, and moderators decide the rules. If those rules are too restrictive for you, there are some Forums where there are none, or you could do as some former members have done, and form your own. I suggest you visit some of them and see if they tolerate being called Mafioso.
> 
> Existing rules:
> 
> Voting for any given Month is for slingshots posted in the previous month. eg Jan's comp is based on slingshots posted in December
> Only slingshots that are posted on Slingshotforum.com are eligible for nomination. This post can be by The maker or by The recipient in the case of trades and gifts.
> You may nominate a Slingshot from any registered member. This includes Vendors and Moderators
> You must be a registered and validated member to nominate
> Nominations must include at least 1 picture and a link to the original post
> You may not nominate yourself.
> Only 1 nomination per member.
> There is absolutely no point in nominating a Slingshot that has already been nominated.
> Nominations will be open during The first week of The month
> Voting will occur during The second week of The month
> 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners will be announced during The third week
> A nominations thread as well as a discussion thread will be created each month. Please do not discuss nominations in The nomination thread. Posts of this type will be deleted
> People may win consecutive months. If The community thinks they should not win consecutive months then simply do not vote for them
> Winners will receive bragging rights and the exalted reputation that comes with such an achievement!
> 
> 
> 
> this is the FUNNY thread not the b-hurt thread. this, :yeahthat: , needs to be moved to its appropriate place
Click to expand...

We have a special dedicated b*hurt section?? Now that IS funny! And a little sad....


----------



## JonM

Viper010 said:


> Imperial said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Pilgrim said:
> 
> 
> 
> Notice: Rule change for future SSOTM nominees.
> 
> In addition to the existing rules (as seen below) nominations will also be required to be accompanied by at least one photograph of the frame with bands attached to the forks in the intended manner by which it may be shot.
> I realize this is a change that will not be available on all entries at this time. However, for this month I would ask that nominations be made normally and that those nominated without the required pic would then provide the required pic.
> 
> Our demise has been predicted many times in the past, Dedo. Whenever we change a rule, enforce a rule, or reply in kind to some trouble maker, our imminent destruction is foretold. The usual result is that the trouble makers go somewhere else and the Forum is better off.
> 
> If we were the Mafioso you accuse us of being, you would be gone for that one post. You can't publicly criticize the Mafia.
> 
> Yes, the owners, admins, and moderators decide the rules. If those rules are too restrictive for you, there are some Forums where there are none, or you could do as some former members have done, and form your own. I suggest you visit some of them and see if they tolerate being called Mafioso.
> 
> Existing rules:
> 
> Voting for any given Month is for slingshots posted in the previous month. eg Jan's comp is based on slingshots posted in December
> Only slingshots that are posted on Slingshotforum.com are eligible for nomination. This post can be by The maker or by The recipient in the case of trades and gifts.
> You may nominate a Slingshot from any registered member. This includes Vendors and Moderators
> You must be a registered and validated member to nominate
> Nominations must include at least 1 picture and a link to the original post
> You may not nominate yourself.
> Only 1 nomination per member.
> There is absolutely no point in nominating a Slingshot that has already been nominated.
> Nominations will be open during The first week of The month
> Voting will occur during The second week of The month
> 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners will be announced during The third week
> A nominations thread as well as a discussion thread will be created each month. Please do not discuss nominations in The nomination thread. Posts of this type will be deleted
> People may win consecutive months. If The community thinks they should not win consecutive months then simply do not vote for them
> Winners will receive bragging rights and the exalted reputation that comes with such an achievement!
> 
> 
> 
> this is the FUNNY thread not the b-hurt thread. this, :yeahthat: , needs to be moved to its appropriate place
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> We have a special dedicated b*hurt section?? Now that IS funny! And a little sad....
Click to expand...


----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Imperial




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Imperial said:


>


Well, one of them was due to get reamed that night....neither expected it to be him, though. Eesh...


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## Tentacle Toast

Cranky Hank said:


> My apologies, guys. I succumbed to temptation and stirred the pot.


----------



## treefork

* In loving memory of :*

View attachment 128569


* Banned*


----------



## Tentacle Toast

...was he? I saw that they erased my post, but had to run & errand & didn't see what anyone else responded with. When I came back, all there was was Red's apology...


----------



## treefork

http://www.slingshotcommunity.com/threads/what-happen-if.9747/


----------



## Tentacle Toast

...they've got everyone over there that we miss over here...


----------



## JonM




----------



## treefork

View attachment 128729


* Banned Again*


----------



## Tentacle Toast

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## treefork

http://www.slingshotcommunity.com/threads/greetings.9772/


----------



## Tentacle Toast

I forgot my log in over there. I hate to give up on this place, but there's almost a pride from on high about how "untouchable" this place is because of it's size; as long as there's turnover, everyone is happy. We're encouraged to go! We don't like it? GO!


----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## JonM




----------



## treefork

View attachment 128881


----------



## Alfred E.M.

JonM said:


>


*'Sokay, I give this one a double like.*


----------



## Tentacle Toast




----------



## treefork

WTF ?


----------



## Yosemite Sam

treefork said:


> WTF ?


What Treefork said.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## treefork




----------



## treefork




----------



## Bill W

I've been looking in from time to time wondering if I should jump back in.
I've seen some pretty bad stuff here and now I see devil stuff.
I'm done. Please delete my account.


----------



## treefork

Nice going Toast .


----------



## Henry the Hermit

Some of you just can't resist pushing the envelop. I'm tired of sweeping out this place every day or so. Find somewhere else to post your political jokes, sexual stuff, and just plain garbage.


----------

