# Joke's



## newconvert

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]"You're finished already?" the husband asked.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."[/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]I was at the club the other night, and noticed two VERY large women sitting next to me at the bar. I overheard them speaking to one another, and the had a very strong accent. I turned and asked "excuse me ladies, are you from Scotland?" One of them looked back at me and said "it's wales you idiot!" [/background]

[background=rgb(243, 243, 243)]I said "Pardon me. Are you whales from Scotland?"[/background]


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## newconvert

*A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she 
decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the 
country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a 
flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have 
a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked 
like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog 
back?"*


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## newconvert

*A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of 
golf balls.

A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets,
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf 
balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally 
asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?*


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## Imperial

funny stuff. heres an oldie schoolyard joke ...

why don't they let Mexicans into an ice skating ring.........because they will start to make raspados (snow cone).


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## Hrawk




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## Hrawk




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## Hrawk




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## newconvert

yeah i love blonde jokes, i had a bunch more but? lets keep this going, nothing like picking on the helpless!


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## lightgeoduck

Where do you find a one legged dog?

Where you left it.


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## newconvert

lightgeoduck said:


> Where do you find a one legged dog?
> 
> Where you left it.


 hahahahhhahahhahaah good one


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## Imperial

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.
Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"


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## newconvert

pick up lines


You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good
Man - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
Man - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?


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## newconvert

A patient in a mental hosptial was being reviewed to determine whether he was ready to be released.
When asked what he would do if he was released, he answered, "I'm going to make a slingshot, come back here and break every **** window in the joint."
Needless to say, his release was denied.
A few months later, the board was again considering his release and again they asked him the same question. His reply was the same as the previous time: "I'm going to make a slingshot, come back here and break every **** window in the joint."
Again, his release was denied.
Some months later, he was talking with a fellow patient and complaining that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. "You'll never get released with answers like that," the fellow patient said. "What you have to do is tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
After a considerable amount of coaching, the man felt he was ready to be reviewed again.
So, again the board met and again they asked him what he would do if he was released. This time, however, he was ready.
"The first thing I'm going to do is get a job, find a place to live, and settle down," he said.
"Very good," the board commented. "and then what?"
"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating," he replied.
The board agreed that he seemed to be making real progress. "And then what?" they asked.
"Well, when we're alone in my apartment one night," he said, "I'm going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, then take her bra off, lie her down on the bed and gently remove her panties."
Now the board members were really getting excited. "Then what are you going to do?" they asked.
"Then," he replied, "I'm going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every **** window in the joint!"


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## tnflipper52

Groaners!

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."​


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## tnflipper52

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 207, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen. I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"​


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## newconvert

there we go! good stuff fellas keep them coming!


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## newconvert




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## newconvert




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## Imperial

*Q .. *How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
*A .. *Knock on the door.

*Q .. *What stops then goes then stops then goes?
*A .. *A blonde at a blinking red light.

*Q .. *How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
*A .. *Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

*Q .. *What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
*A .. *Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

*Q .. *What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
*A .. *"Thanks for the refill!"

*Q .. *What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
*A .. *An Air Bag.

*Q .. *How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
*A .. *Wave to her.

*Q .. *How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
*A .. *Shine a flashlight in their ear.

*Q .. *What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
*A .. *"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

*Q .. *There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
*A .. *The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

and the grand finale .....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"


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## Jaxter

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."


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## Jaxter

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......
"Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"


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## tnflipper52

*More groaners.*

*Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change." The new father then replies "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."*

And for our British friends:
*A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk*


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## tnflipper52

A blonde groaner:

*A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"*


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## newconvert

love the blonde jokes


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## jskeen

Ok, Just had to sneak in here with something a little different, pardon the hijack.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

What does a lawyer say if he steps in a pile of cow poo?
OH MY GOD, I"m Melting!

and the Pièce de résistance:

What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?
The Rooster clucks defiance. 

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blonde jokes.


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## Jaxter

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


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## newconvert

jskeen said:


> Ok, Just had to sneak in here with something a little different, pardon the hijack.
> 
> What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
> 
> You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
> 
> What does a lawyer say if he steps in a pile of cow poo?
> OH MY GOD, I"m Melting!
> 
> and the Pièce de résistance:
> 
> What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?
> The Rooster clucks defiance.
> 
> I now return you to your regularly scheduled blonde jokes.


not a hijack JS keep them coming, come one come all!


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## Imperial

Jaxter said:


> A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
> The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
> She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
> the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......
> "Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"










i liked this one, im stealing  borrowing this joke .


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## Jaxter

Imperial said:


> A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
> The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
> She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
> the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......
> "Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"










i liked this one, im stealing  borrowing this joke . 
[/quote]

Glad you liked it. And guess what, I thought it was funny to.


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## tnflipper52

She was _so blonde _she
thought a quarterback was a refund!
tripped over a cordless phone
took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
asked for a price check at the 99 cent store
thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train
sold the car for gas money
studied for a blood test... _and_ _failed_
thought Boyz To Men was a day care center
thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
spoke her mind but she was speechless
gave change back when someone told her, "Penny for your thoughts"
told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
it took her two hours to watch 60 Minu
saw NC - 17 (no children under 17) she went home and got sixteen friends
heard that 90 percent of all crimes happen around the home, she moved
went to pick me up at the airport and saw the sign that says "Airport Left" she turned around and went home


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## Imperial

a few more pickup lines (hrawk, are you reading this ?) : 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!

Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours

Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?

I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears

Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the **** out of you !

Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep whith me ?


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## Jaxter

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.


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## tnflipper52

Equal opportunity for lawyers also.

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in
Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze
rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By
the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the
bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so
your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"


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## tnflipper52

And one more for the heck of it. 
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.​


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## tnflipper52

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman ... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replied, "No. I think I will just wait for the police."​


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## Jaxter

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.


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## newconvert

Jaxter said:


> There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
> The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
> Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
> Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00.
> The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
> Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.


i was going to post this one!


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## tnflipper52

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing she was oblivious to his flashing light and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pull over!"

"No!" the blonde yelled back, "It's a scarf!"


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## Imperial

im liking this thread


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## Jaxter

this is an awesome thread


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## newconvert

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. 

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. 

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap. 

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. 

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap." 

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian. 

The shocked Texan said "Why in the **** did you do that?" 

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."


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## newconvert

*...And God Created California!*​In the Beginning​God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"​God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."​Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"​"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.​God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"​"Ah," said God. "That's California the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."​Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"​God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."​


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## newconvert

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the **** have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God **** liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"


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## newconvert

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]SLIP OF TONGUE[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Of course I do."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."[/background]

[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]WIFE: - - -silence - -[/background]
[background=rgb(198, 216, 238)]HUSBAND: "oh ****"[/background]


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## newconvert

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"


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## tnflipper52

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"​


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## tnflipper52

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed over three motorcycles."


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## JLS:Survival

Why do they call the area between a womens breasts and her hips a waist?

Because there's more than enough room for another pair of **


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## JLS:Survival

t1tts


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## tnflipper52

Note: This is an exact reproduction of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and a US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?'

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.'

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?'

GENERAL REINWALD: 'I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.'

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?'

GENERAL REINWALD: 'Don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.'

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'But your equipping them to become violent killers.'

GENERAL REINWALD: 'Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?'

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


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## newconvert

tnflipper52 said:


> Note: This is an exact reproduction of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and a US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
> 
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?'
> 
> GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.'
> 
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?'
> 
> GENERAL REINWALD: 'I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.'
> 
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?'
> 
> GENERAL REINWALD: 'Don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.'
> 
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 'But your equipping them to become violent killers.'
> 
> GENERAL REINWALD: 'Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?'
> 
> The radio went silent and the interview ended.


cool stuff you guys!


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## tnflipper52

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane."I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane."I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.""You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack


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## newconvert

*Man survives grizzly bear attack, using just a small caliber Beretta pistol ..*


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## tnflipper52

One morning, a father and his young son were in the woods hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"

The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple."

The boy grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his father, "They taste awful."

The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."


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## wombat

newconvert said:


> *Man survives grizzly bear attack, using just a small caliber Beretta pistol ..*
> View attachment 21211


haha I like it. we were camping in Alberta a few years ago and this little bear cub came into the camp site. we were sitting there saying "oh look how cute"! then realized that where there's a cub there's a momma bear, he didn't look so cute after that!!


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## tnflipper52

*Insider's Guide to Common Male Vocabulary*
"You expect too much from me."
Translation: You want me to stay awake?
"That's women's work."
Translation: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.
"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the theme song to "Rocky V," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself; it's no big deal."
Translation: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
"I do help around the house."
Translation: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Translation: I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.
"I can't find it."
Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
"What did I do this time?"
Translation: What did you catch me doing?

"I heard you."
Translation: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
"You look terrific."
Translation: Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
"I missed you."
Translation: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translation: I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.
"We share the housework."
Translation: I make the messes, you clean them up.
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Translation: You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Translation: I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.
"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.
"Take a break, honey. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
'That's interesting, dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.​


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## newconvert

tnflipper52 said:


> One morning, a father and his young son were in the woods hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
> 
> The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple."
> 
> The boy grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his father, "They taste awful."
> 
> The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."


cool!


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## RedRubber

Great thread!


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## e~shot




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## newconvert

e~shot said:


>


 amazing!


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## tnflipper52

Well if you don't know ?


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## tnflipper52

* ******* Computer Terms*

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco Dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARD COPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week old underwear


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## Berkshire bred

while flying from london to newy ork at 36,000 feet a boeing 747 suddenly develops engine trouble and starts falling towards the atlantic. as she realises whats going on the head stewardess crashes into the pilots cabin, stands in front of the pilot and rips of her blouse saying:
captain, make me feel like a woman one more time before i die!
then the pilot rips of his shirt and says; here you go then love - iron this.

just one of my personal favourite, hope you like it.


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## Berkshire bred

what does a twenty five year old have between her knees that a eighty five year old does not?

her nipples


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## pop shot

From my experiences with 25 year olds, I think you got it backwards


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## newconvert

Berkshire bred said:


> what does a twenty five year old have between her knees that a eighty five year old does not?
> 
> her nipples


thats funny!


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## tnflipper52

*Blonde Shoots Herself* A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."


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## tnflipper52

Problem solved


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## Tex-Shooter

I read this somewhere -- Tex
A man in his mid sixties was talking to his wife. Honey when we were 23 years old we lived in a trailer, drove a 15 year old junk of a car and did not have any money, but you were very passionate. Now we live in a $500,000 home, drive a brand new Mercedes and have plenty of money, but you are just not passionate. His very understanding wife said, well I don't care if you want to go find a passionate 23 year old to have sex with and I will see that you live in a trailer, drive a 15 year old junk of a car and have no money.


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## e~shot

HR Manager, His Assistant, an Old Woman and her Young Daughter are traveling In a train and during the Course of time get themselves Introduced to each other and become temporary friends...

The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark... Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!
The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel... The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking Perplexed...
The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap.

Still all Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything...

Now let's have a look at the judgment of each person

The Old Woman Is Thinking : This old fart ( HR Manager) must be crazy a**h****. He must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him...

The Young Girl Is Thinking : The Old Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss My Mother and she taught him a lesson.

The Manager Is Thinking : Damn It... My Assistant Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought It Was Me And Slapped Me... Or he would have tried to Kiss the young girl & kissed the Old woman instead & I got slapped.

Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking...

Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking...

If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again... The idiot Keeps Harassing Me In The Office...!!


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## lredii

Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.


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## tnflipper52

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads,

"I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."


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## Tentacle Toast

A bartender is closing shop for the night after the last patron leaves. He locks the door, then gets to work wiping down tables. A few minutes pass, & there's a knock at the back door. He opens it & sees a bum standing there. "heh buddy, can I have a toothpick?" The bum asked. The bartender, being a nice guy says "yeah, I can do that for you", gets the bum a toothpick, & the bum said "thanks" & wandered off. Bartender didn't think much of it, & got back to work cleaning glasses. A little while later, there was another, more frantic knock at the back door. He opened it to find two bums..." Sorry to bother you, but can you spare a couple toothpicks man?" The bartender said "sure, I can do that for you", went & grabbed a couple toothpicks, & handed them to the bums. The bums said "thanks", but before the bartender could ask what was going on, they ran off. The bartender thought it strange, but went back to work. A bit later, he finished his chores, flipped the chairs onto the tables, & was just putting his jacket on to leave when he heard another knock at the back door. He opened it to find another bum;"hey man, you got a straw?" The bum asked. The bartender said, "yeah man, I got a straw for you", went & got it for him. The bum said "thanks" & turned to walk away, but curiosity finally got the best of the bartender, & he said "hey, a few of your friends came by looking for toothpicks, & now youre here wanting a straw. What's going on?" The bum replied "oh, some drunk chick puked, but all the good stuffs already taken..."


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## Tentacle Toast

Dude moves to NYC. He's there for a few weeks, but can't catch any tail for the life of him. He's sitting at the bar after just being shot down again, & the bartender comes up & asks him "what's the matter, bud?". The dude says "well I've been here for weeks, but I just can't land a girl. I'm starting to get desperate". The bartender says "see that girl at the end of the bar? She's a prostitute". Dude said thanks, but he wasn't trying to go that route. Well, a few more weeks past with no luck, & he decided he needed SOMETHING, so he went up to her & said "the bartender tells me you're a prostitute; how much for a hand job?" The prostitute said "$1000".. "WHAT?! A thousand dollars, are you kidding me?!" He said. "let me show you something" she told him, & led him out the door to the parking lot. "see that Ferrari over there?" "yeah" "well I bought that Ferrari with just the money I get for hand jobs" she said. He thought about it for a while, but he was hurting, so he went for it. The BEST hand job he ever had, he couldn't believe it, never felt anything like it before. As the weeks went on, he still wasn't having any luck on his own, & his situation was deteriorating. He thought about the prostitute, & figured he'd see what else she could do for him. So he went back to her & said "that was the best hand job I ever had, but I really need something more. How much for a blow job?" "$2500" she told him. "Are you SERIOUS?! FOR HEAD??? you've got to be CRAZY!" "come here, I want to show you something" & led him outside. "See that 26 story building all lit up? I bought that with just the money I earn on head shots." He thought about how good t he hand job was, knew he wouldn't do any better that night, & went for it. Again, it was the best time of his life. A few weeks later, he had enough. He wasn't getting any action, & now he needed it all. He went back to the prostitute & said "I'm at the point now where I really need some vag..." "come here a second" she said, & took him out the back door; "see that island over there?" "yeah," he said "thats Manhattan Island, I live there..." She said "if I had a vag, I'd own that island."


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