# "ASK THWACK!" for answers to unresolved personal issues...



## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Hi, rubberlovers

Our first question comes from Melvin Q. who asks:

Dear THWACK!,

My goldfish has a disgusting habit of using his/her/it's bowl as a toilet and as a dining room. How can I correct this disgusting and unhealthy behavior?

THWACK!'s response:

Dear Melvin,

The behavior you mention is not unusual in the natural world, it is biologically sound.

However, there are steps you can take to resolve your perceived "issue":

1. Fit your goldfish with diapers.

2. Go to your local hardware store and purchase the smallest toilet you can find. Do not purchase a "PortaPotty", as it will float (yuck).

3. Give your cat a "gift" and your problems will be swallowed up.

4. Fit your goldfish with filtration dentures.

5. See a freakin' shrink.

Regards,

THWACK!

Is there anybody else with a question for "ASK THWACK!"?


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## Urban Fisher (Aug 13, 2014)

Oh Great THWACK,

I do have many questions I was hoping your greatness could answer...

-If a tree falls in the woods and a man is there to hear it...but the tree falls on him and kills him, did it still make a noise?

-If one has sex with a prostitue and does not pay...is that rape or shoplifting?

-Why is it at times (most times) that it seems like women make no sense?

-Is there anything better than beer, good food, hot woman and a slingshot?

-If someone is telling you something and they say "You know what I mean?". If they knew you knew...then why would they be telling you?

-Should I buy Apple stock or has it gone too high?

-What's better, tubes or bands?

-Why is the McRib only served occasionaly?

-Will I own a flying car in my lifetime?

These are just a few of the many questions I have. I will start with these so I can start focusing on how to improve my life.

Thank you oh Great One,

Urban Fisher


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Thank you, Urban Fisher, for allowing me to enter your mind with sage enlightenment.

Oh Great THWACK,

I do have many questions I was hoping your greatness could answer...

-If a tree falls in the woods and a man is there to hear it...but the tree falls on him and kills him, did it still make a noise?

-If one has sex with a prostitue and does not pay...is that rape or shoplifting?

-Why is it at times (most times) that it seems like women make no sense?

-Is there anything better than beer, good food, hot woman and a slingshot?

-If someone is telling you something and they say "You know what I mean?". If they knew you knew...then why would they be telling you?

-Should I buy Apple stock or has it gone too high?

-What's better, tubes or bands?

-Why is the McRib only served occasionaly?

-Will I own a flying car in my lifetime?

These are just a few of the many questions I have. I will start with these so I can start focusing on how to improve my life.

Thank you oh Great One,

Urban Fisher

I will answer your nine questions by number:

1. The tree, in fact, did make a noise heard by all those with auditory capabilities, that of "WHAM!". The man, upon seeing the tree falling on him said " OH SH*T!!!!", and upon it landing on him "I'M PH**KED!!!!!!!!"

2. Courts have held, in fact, that it would constitute "breach of contract", even though the prostitute may be engaged in an illegal activity. The court likened it (analogy) to a person going into a barber shop, sitting down, getting his haircut, then walking out without paying for the service. "Rape" or "shoplifting" are criminal (penal) court terms, which don't apply to contractual agreement, however "rape " would not be appropriate since the prostitute was willing and able to perform, and shoplifting, unless you left the premises with an STD which you didn't pay for, would be an inappropriate charge.

3. Answered in the book by the title : "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" - basically, women are "wired" differently than men. They tend to think and act through emotions, while men tend to think through the body part which has the most blood engorgement at the time.

4. A good time on the potty always does wonders.

5. Because that person is stupid. If he weren't sure that you understood what he said, he'd want to know so that he can clarify it, that is, he'd try to have you see the elephant from another angle (hopefully not underneath). But since, in your scenario, he already knew that you understood, I suggest, Glasshopper, that you find someone else with whom to converse.

6. Beware that some apples have worms - the signs are small in the beginning, so the apple must be carefully inspected and evaluated before one sinks his teeth into it.

7. Tubes for Chinese style slingshots, bands for all others, preferably TTF according to the poll.

8. Because they are factory made in Detroit.

9. Depends on how long you'll be living.

Thank you for this opportunity to enlighten you, Glasshopper. May your journeys be safe.

THWACK!


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## treefork (Feb 1, 2010)

View attachment 71326


THWACK


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## treefork (Feb 1, 2010)

Wide or narrow forks for maximum velocity ? :zipped:


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

treefork said:


> Wide or narrow forks fork maximum velocity ? :zipped:


Thank you for your submission, Forker of Trees

I will answer by saying that on the occasion that one comes to a fork in the journey of life, he is at that time faced with tines, which he must understand. The maximum velocity of your journey will be equal if you stand at the same distance from the forks' tines, no matter how far apart are the tines. I submit that you view the video of one "Bill Hays" who shows the validity of my sayings, where he uses a rake-like object for the masterful demonstration of the physical laws in our universe.

May you journey with peace, Forker of Trees

THWACK!


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## Nobodo (Nov 5, 2014)

Oh great thwacker of all things thwackable, I have a great mystery which has perplexed me lo these many years, and I have journeyed here from afar in the hope that you can atthwack it.

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star both have the same tune?

But the real question is why did everybody that just read the above question sing the Alphabet Song to themselves?


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## JohnKrakatoa (Nov 28, 2013)

Hah, I sang twinmle twinkle!


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## Tag (Jun 11, 2014)

Who drives faster, females or males?


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Dear rural rubberlover,

Oh great thwacker of all things thwackable, I have a great mystery which has perplexed me lo these many years, and I have journeyed here from afar in the hope that you can atthwack it.

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star both have the same tune?

But the real question is why did everybody that just read the above question sing the Alphabet Song to themselves?

The "real" question (apparently you are dismissive of the original question) is unanswerable, because there is an unvetted assumption by you, that "everybody" has read the question and that they have raised their voices to test your original question. And, this - not "everybody"' can possibly know the lyrics of the song, because not "everybody" has heard of and/or remember the lyrics. We have many immigrants who bring with them tunes/songs/dirty limericks and knock-knock jokes from other lands, who haven't had the delight of American culture and tradition, including the alphabet. So, rural rubberlover/rubbernutter, your question as it stands in unanswerable, even by one with heightened knowledge and awareness, such as the great THWACK!

The great THWACK! suggests that without introducing assumptions in your mind, you will find your own answers to your perplexing questions, for your mind will be clearer and more focused on facts.

You are welcome to submit additional questions about personal relationships, mantracking, dog training, or the principles of performing magic - though no "secrets" will be revealed since the great THWACK! honors the code of secrecy.

May you breathe clean air and flatulate downwind, my friend.

THWACK!


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Tag said:


> Who drives faster, females or males?


Dear Tag without hash (or maybe you've some hidden : ) )

The great THWACK! has the incredible ability to answer all questions which are very clear. However, your question lacks the "what" - that is, "who drives (what) faster...". Please rephrase your question into a more specific query.

No, I did not just refer to you as a query, that's all in your perception of what I said. Aw heck, get over it.


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## Nobodo (Nov 5, 2014)

THWACK! said:


> Please rephrase your question into a more specific query.





THWACK! said:


> The "real" question (apparently you are dismissive of the original question) is unanswerable, because there is an unvetted assumption by you, that "everybody" has read the question and that they have raised their voices to test your original question. And, this - not "everybody"' can possibly know the lyrics of the song, because not "everybody" has heard of and/or remember the lyrics.


Oh, great THWACKo,

The query from Do of NoBo was worded to involve only those people who actually have read a single specific question posed on the gregorian calendar date of December 3rd of the year 2014 A.D., in the English language on a specific webpage on a specific webserver located in San Antonio Texas and resolving to ip address 209.99.52.17 as txff14.forumfoundry.com, yet seems to have been interpreted as involving all humans and possibly non-humans on the planet Earth at large and perhaps species from alien worlds.

The query of Tag With Butt on Ground is a well-known query which has been asked many times in the past, and while a certain amount of supposition is involved the query does seem specific enough that both the asking party and those parties on the receiving end of the query are generally able to come to an immediate understanding of what is being driven without more specific information being supplied.

In my line of work, here is an example of a "specific query":

*from type in assembly.GetTypes()
where type.IsPublic && !type.IsSealed && type.IsClass
where (from method in type.GetMethods()
join typeEvent in type.GetEvents()
on method.Name.Replace("Async", "Completed") equals typeEvent.Name
select new { method, typeEvent }).Any()
select type;*

When used in the context of a forum posting where all involved are not familiar with the LINQ query extensions, the above query does not become less specific however is likely to be interpreted with much ambiguity.

It would seem that degree of ambiguity of any specific query is up to the understanding level of those reading the query.

Typically that ambiguity is kept to a certain low threshold through better understanding of the expected audience of the anticipated query and expectations of what level of assumption of agreement on meaning of those possible ambiguities can be mutually accepted by all parties involved.

In reading through the postings and responses on this page I am left with quite a quandary as to what constitutes an acceptable question.

I see one query, "*Wide or narrow forks fork maximum velocity ?*", that seems to have a high degree of ambiguity as to the actual meaning of the query, yet no further refinement to the query was requested and a query response was formulated and delivered.

I see another query, "*If someone is telling you something and they say "You know what I mean?". If they knew you knew...then why would they be telling you?*", that seems to have an extremely high degree of ambiguity as to the actual meaning of the query, yet no further refinement to the query was requested and a query response was formulated and delivered.

My fear is that the almighty THWACK's level of comprehension is so far beyond mere mortals that any query I could possibly formulate might actually exist in several different dimensions of THWACK's mind at the same time, therefore defying definiton.

I will nevertheless attempt one more question that I am sure many members of this forum would like to ask, but like so many of the great questions facing mankind the difficulty of wording the query causes the problem to be kept internal to the individual, raising stress levels and causing a lack of sleep.

So here goes...

"*Why do lizards die?*"


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## Nobodo (Nov 5, 2014)

Ok, one more...

I enjoy watching videos on YouTube.

Some of them are funny, some help me learn things, and some I wonder up how I ever ended up watching.

But the other day I watched a video on YouTube and I am pretty sure that none of the people in the video are TV or movie stars.

That makes me think that regular people can get on YouTube.

How do I get YouTube to come take a video of me?


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Nobodo said:


> Please rephrase your question into a more specific query.
> 
> The "real" question (apparently you are dismissive of the original question) is unanswerable, because there is an unvetted assumption by you, that "everybody" has read the question and that they have raised their voices to test your original question. And, this - not "everybody"' can possibly know the lyrics of the song, because not "everybody" has heard of and/or remember the lyrics.
> 
> ...


So after all that, your "unresolved personal question" is "Why do lizards die"? Have you a beloved Geico spokeslizard type in your family who is on the deathbed, and you are wondering why he/she/it must have a life-terminating moment? The great THWACK! will answer the question which is perplexing you, by stating that it must die to make room for others to take it's place, and to return itself to the earth from which it came, thus nourishing the earth.

Bid my farewell, please, to Aunt Liz.

The THWACK! has spoken


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

Nobodo said:


> Ok, one more...
> 
> I enjoy watching videos on YouTube.
> 
> ...


Dear rural one,

The great Google, owner of YouTube, might catch your image on a Google Earth camera (as they have indeed captured the image of yours truly), however, their YouTube staff is not known to travel anywhere to create videos of any people, whether TV or movie stars or people of your extraordinary caliber. YouTube is thus a one-way journey, and you must take the steps to reach it, rural one. Do not despair, for you are not alone in the quest, as Jesus Takwanda Washington also learned.

Be well,

THWACK!


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## NoobShooter (Sep 15, 2012)

Are the white trails behind planes really a chemical released to us by the government for sinister purposes?

Also, Is there a God?


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

NoobShooter said:


> Are the white trails behind planes really a chemical released to us by the government for sinister purposes?
> 
> Also, Is there a God?


Dear Shooter of Noobs,

No, about the white trails - they are merely as breadcrumbs in the forest for the airplane to find its way back. Unfortunately, just as breadcrumbs are eaten by forest animals, winds disperse the white trails, so the concept of a return path still needs to be worked out by the "scientists".

To your question "Is there a God" - the answer is "yes" to those who believe, "no" to those who don't believe, and "maybe" to those who are not finished examining the possibilities or who just don't care.

May your noobs be in range of your slingshot,

THWACK!


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## Nobodo (Nov 5, 2014)

I thought the white trails behind planes were the poisoned food left for the microscopic hordes of alien beings trying to get to the surface of the earth so they could take over our bodies, and the faster the white trails disappeared the more aliens there are in that part of the sky.

But that brings me to my next question for the great THWACK, and to ask that question please welcome our guest question asker, Alien Guy:


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

O no bo, ancient aliens did if fact exist, hence their structures. To this day, Men in Black are persuing aliens in Hollywood, and men in green are persuing aliens in Texas and Arizona.

Modern "crop circles" are a mystery, however. Eltjo Haselhof, theoretical physicist, karate black belt holder and (incredible) fingerstyle guitar player, from Holland, has a "node " theory of interest to those seeking a possible answer to the existence of crop circles.

Perhaps Nobodo would like to try to interpret the following prose - a small challenge to one's mind:

O nobili

Si ergo

For tibus es ina row

O nobili, demis trux

Sewatis inim, kowzendux

THWACK!


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## Jacktrevally (Feb 14, 2011)

Looking for a 'bird' to stuff for Christmas. Any you woukd recommend?


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## THWACK! (Nov 25, 2010)

The great THWACK! recommends an old bird by the name of "Larry", who at one time played basketball, and though old, is very sweet.

Merry Christmas, my friend.


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## Jacktrevally (Feb 14, 2011)

Merry Christmas you too.


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