# Puns!



## whipcrackdeadbunny

Ususal posting rules apply, nothing racist/sexist/etc. wordplay and innuendos welcome.

Shakespeare walks into a pub, lanlord says 'Oi! you're bard'


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Black Beauty, he's a dark horse.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

I went into the garden with my ladder the other day; not my real ladder.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

What did the catapult say to the fingers? 
Pull yourselves together.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Do you think giants, can see the big picture?


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Would you say a drunk worm is, legless?


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## Sam

A G N B :

That's bang out of order.


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## Sam

I've been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight.


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## Sam

Wind turbines.

I'm a big fan.


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## Sam

Here's a bit of advice for you:

Advi.


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## Sam

I saw a poster that said,

"Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".

I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

hehe; you got it.


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## Sam

There, just some of my favourites!


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## Sam

Oh and this one (my favourite,) It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Butter! Spread the word.


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## Sam

whipcrackdeadbunny said:


> Butter! Spread the word.


That's a good one! I think we share a similar sense of humour in that respect.

_I saw a poster that said,

"Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".

I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more._


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Sam said:


> Butter! Spread the word.


That's a good one! I think we share a similar sense of humour in that respect.

_I saw a poster that said,

"Breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2-3 years".

I would imagine that not breathing air would reduce it considerably more._
[/quote]

Aye.


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## Sam

Capitalisation is the difference between I helped my uncle Jack off a horse, and I helped my uncle jack off a horse.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

A woman came up to me the other day and asked me for a sexual innuendo, so I gave her one.


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## Sam

whipcrackdeadbunny said:


> A woman came up to me the other day and asked me for a sexual innuendo, so I gave her one.


LOL, now that we're onto sexual ones...

_My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just couldn't take it any longer._


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a saboteur; I go out the night before and shoot the fox.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

I've had a lovely day, but this wasn't it.


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## Sam

whipcrackdeadbunny said:


> I've had a lovely day, but this wasn't it.


Groucho Marx - that man has said so many funny things!


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Groucho Marx - that man has said so many funny things!








[/quote]

Well spotted, do you know the films? and I wonder if anyone else has even looked at this thread?


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## NoSugarRob

.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

NoSugarRob said:


> I did, and wanted to hurt you both !!!! Aaaaaaaargh !


HAHA!


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## NoSugarRob

I


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## Sam

NoSugarRob said:


> I would like to tell a joke .......................... here's my joke
> 
> superman is flying across the sky when he sees wonder woman laying NAKED on her back, eyes closed in a field with her legs spread all akimbo........ he circles for a while.... he thinks to himself ... i could be in there, out and away before she even had chance to open her eyes.... HE GO'S FOR IT............................. IN......OUT.......AND AWAY !!!! ..... wonder woman opens her eyes and says..... what the **** was that ? ............. the invisible man says ......... i dunno but my a**e is killing me !!!!


Lool!


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## huey224

(capitalisation.)
what is big, round and full of seamen?

a..submarine!


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## Sam

huey224 said:


> (capitalisation.)
> what is big, round and full of seamen?
> 
> a..submarine!


You should have said, cylindrical, hard and very long!


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Why do mice have small balls?
Not many of them can dance.


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## Sam

Did you hear about that shipment of viagra which was stolen?

The Police are on the lookout for hardened criminals!


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## Sam

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.


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## NoSugarRob

.


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## huey224

hahaha!!!!!!!!! lol


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

NoSugarRob said:


> little red riding hood is skipping through the woods when she hears a rustling in the bushes.... she shoves her head into the bush and sees a wolf scampering off into the woods........... a little ways up the trail she hears a rustling in the bushes again....... she shoves her head into the bush again and sees a wolf scamper off into the woods................................... further along the trail she once again hears a rustling in the bushes, this time she's quick and thrusts her head into the bush..... she comes nose to nose with THE WOLF ! ............. the wolf looks menacingly into her eyes and YELLS .............................. WILL YOU F**K **F I'M TRYING TO TAKE A S**T


Haha! brilliant, I hadn't heard this one.


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## whipcrackdeadbunny

Sam said:


> Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.


This one's really good too.


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## Sam

_Paris Hilton has been denied entry to Japan.

I think it's unfair. No one has ever been denied entry to Paris._


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## huey224

That one is awsome!


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