# Joke for the day!



## wombat (Jun 10, 2011)

I just noticed there wasn't a "joke for day" thread??/

Any way. True story....

So I was at the Cat & Fiddle pub and overheard this bloke saying to his mate... " I'm trying to drink more during the week, so I don't binge on the weekends." Now that's true Aussie logic!!


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## treefork (Feb 1, 2010)

View attachment 51670


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## Tentacle Toast (Jan 17, 2013)

There WAS a joke thread a while back...it's entirely possible that it got removed when no one was looking, though


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## JonM (Aug 17, 2013)

Ole, On His Death Bed~~~

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his 
nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons. "So", he says to them, 
"My oldest son Sven, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter 
Olga, take the apartments over in Edina; son Torval, I want you to take 
the offices over on Hennepin; and Lena, my dear wife, please take all 
the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she 
says,
"Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have 
accumulated all this property."

Lena replies, "Property?...The idiot had a paper route!"


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## Tentacle Toast (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay, kiddies...cover your eyes...

John came to New York City from life in a small town, where he left his girl since high school. He took a very high paying job on Wall street, but felt lonely. He found himself a preferred upscale bar, & every night, tried to quench the thirst of lonliness, but to no avail; no matter how hard he tried, night after night, he was faced with rejection...never being able to get beyond buying em' a drink...
...one night, after being shot down yet again, he finds himself sitting at the bar. "what's the matter, bud?" asked the bartender. "well, I've been in this city for almost three months now, & I can't get a girl for the life of me." he said, ashamed.
The bartender leans over & wispers "hey...you see that broad at the end of the bar? She's a prostitute, just so you know..."
John had never thought about taking that route, so he said "oh, thanks man, but I'm not interested in that..."
Well, after two more months with out any luck, John finds himself a little more than desperate, & decided to approach the her.
"e-e-excuse me..." He said nervously "th-the bartender told me that you...might be able to help me out"
The prostitute turns around & says "shtf can, honey? What'll it be?"
Not wanting to go the whole nine with her, he said "how about a handy?"the prostitute said "sure thing, sugar..that's $2500"
"WHAT?!" he exclaimed, "for THAT?!?!"
The prostitute says "here..I want to show you something" & takes him to the parking lot. "See that brand new red Ferrari? I bought that with JUST the money I make from giving guys like you handys."

John is shocked, but he's thinking that it's better than nothing, he's pretty lonely, & it's not like he can't afford it.

"okay then, let's do it"

John is absolutely dumbfounded by the experience; he's never had anything like it in his life...he couldn't believe it. So after a couple more times, he stops, & tries to get back to traditional methods of courtship.
After a couple more months though, he finds himself back in the same boat as he was before, as lonely & desperate as ever. He goes back to the prostitute & says "hey, remember me? I was wondering...what about oral?" The prostitute says "no problem at all! My rate is $10,000..."
"WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDING ME?!?!"
The prostitute says "come here hon, I want to show you something..." They go outside, & she points to a 25 story apartment building. "see that building?" "yeah" "i bought that building just with the money I made giving guys like you oral."
John thought back to his handys, & remembered how incredible they were. He also remembered all the rejection, & decided to go for it..

John was FLABBERGASTED..."WOW! OH-OH-OH MY GOODNESS!!!" ..he never felt anything like it before in his life. So much so that he went back 4 more times! But he started to feel sour about the money he was spending, & gave it up. He went & got a new haircut, a whole new wardrobe, & a new car, to boot; he was ready to try the regular route one more time...
...but after another 4 full months went by, John's despair was at a peak..we all know what he REALLY needed...so he went back to the prostitute..
"Hey" he said, "I'm not messing around anymore, I need some p***y, I don't care what it costs..."
The prostitute looks at him & says "come here, I've got to show you something..." & takes him out the back door. "Do you see that island over there?" asked the prostitute.
"uh, yeah...that's Manhattan Island...I live there.."
The prostitute looked John right in the eye & said "If I had a p***y, I'd own that island..."


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## JonM (Aug 17, 2013)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## treefork (Feb 1, 2010)

View attachment 51884


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## S.S. sLinGeR (Oct 17, 2013)

.


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## SmilingFury (Jul 2, 2013)

A stunningly gorgeous woman sits down next to a guy in first class on a flight. As they are having their pre-flight drinks the guy goes to introduce himself when the lady cuts him off and says, 
" Look, you are a handsome guy and I would probably give you a chance, but I really just want a relaxing flight and maybe some nice conversation without being hit on for once. I am sorry to be so blunt with you? Are you ok with that?".

Of course he agrees and asks if she is traveling for business or pleasure. 
She chuckles and says, " Pleasure is kind of my business. See I am a sex therapist and coach and I am heading to a seminar I am hosting. The seminar is on popular stereotypes in sexual behavior that are completely false." .

He says, " that sounds really interesting. Do you mind sharing a few?" .

She seems to relax a bit and says, " Well here are three of my favorites. Everyone thinks that african americans are the most well endowed men, when actually it is the various tribesmen of the native american indian. People also think of the french as the best lovers, when actually it is american hillbilly men. And people also think that swedish marriages are the longest lasting and most loyal, when in truth the most loyal and long lasting are jewish men and their marriages. ...but listen to me babble, i don't even know your name.
My name is Michelle." And she holds out her hand.

Without blinking an eye, he shakes her hand and smiles when he says,
" Nice to meet you Michelle. My name is Tonto Goldstein, but my buddies back home call me Bubba..."


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## MiracleWorker (Jan 25, 2014)

A Man walks into a bar, he approaches the bartender and says "I want a shot of 12 year old scotch". so the bartender thinks " this guy doesn't know what he's talking about". So he gives him a shot of 3 year old scotch, the man drinks it and quickly spits it back out and says " that's 3 year old scotch, I want 12 year old scotch and I want it now". So the bartender thinks" he got lucky". Gives him a shot of 5 year old scotch, again the man spits it back out and says " That's 5 year old scotch, now give me 12 year old scotch NOW". So the bartender thinks "this guy is pretty good". Hands him a him a shot of 12 year old scotch, the man drinks it down and says " thank you, that was great". An old man at the end of the bar hollers" try this" and slides him a drink. The man drinks it and then spits it back out and says" that tastes like p*ss", the old man hollers back "yeah how old am I?".


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