# Jokes



## slingshotvibe (Sep 26, 2010)

Rugby is a game where you kick a ball over the bar football is the sam hhee post your jokes belowe when torres is playing


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## slingshotvibe (Sep 26, 2010)

Bloody phone


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## NightKnight (Dec 16, 2009)

huh?


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## PandaMan (Oct 14, 2010)

slingshotvibe said:


> Rugby is a game where you kick a ball over the bar. Football (as in Soccer, to Americans) is the same when Torres is playing


I've made the joke clearer. It's kinda funny. I'm guessing you don't know who Torres is Aaron?


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## NightKnight (Dec 16, 2009)

Nope, sure don't.


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## PandaMan (Oct 14, 2010)

NightKnight said:


> Nope, sure don't.


He plays for Chelsea football team and is known for missing shots (I think







)


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## NightKnight (Dec 16, 2009)

Gotcha.


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## NoSugarRob (Jun 3, 2010)

sausage !


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## slingshotvibe (Sep 26, 2010)

And mash. Or bangers and gash as keith lemon would say hehe


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## NaturalFork (Jan 21, 2010)

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

HAHA ... cheese for the day.


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## Imperial (Feb 9, 2011)

sarah jessica parker walked into a bar, bartender says, " why the long face?" ............. corny enough for you guys?


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## NoSugarRob (Jun 3, 2010)

bloke on holiday
guide is taking him trekking in jungle
guide says "there r tigers in this jungle, if you come face to face with tiger,pick up sh*t and throw sh*t in its eyes, Its your only hope of survival"
bloke says "what if there is no sh*t around"
guide says "if you come face to face with tiger you'll have plenty"


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## spanky (May 29, 2011)

ive been married three times,First two wives died of arsenic poisoning-third wife died of a fractured skull-she wouldnt take the sodding arsenic.


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## Hrawk (Oct 25, 2010)

There are two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive"


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## whipcrackdeadbunny (May 22, 2010)

Two cows in a field, one says "Moo" the other "I knew you were going to say that"


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## marcus sr (Jun 5, 2011)

couple in a restaurant,waiter says "roast for madam"? the man answers "if its all the same to you ill just leave a tip"


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## Imperial (Feb 9, 2011)

ever hear about the 16 year old boy who got 3rd degree burns on his hands? he took viagra.


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

what do you call an ugly blonde?
useless!


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor

where's my tractor


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## MrTriscuit (Oct 10, 2011)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Anybody?


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

Jaxter said:


> what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor
> 
> where's my tractor


lame, but made me laugh.


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

A blond was looking to make a little extra money, so she decided to go door to door and offer to do any yard work. 

One neighbor took her up on her offer and asked her to paint his porch for him. He gave her the white waterproof paint and told her to apply two coats. When she was done painting the porch, he would pay her $50. She accepted. 

About an hour later she knocked on his door and said she was done. The neighbor was shocked at how quickly she finished the job and handed her $50. But before she left, she said...

"oh yeah, just so you know, that's not a porsche, it's a mercedes"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

a blond had been trying to have a baby for the longest time, one day she found she was pregnant. she ran over to her neighbor and told her she was pregnant. "really, you are?" the neighbor asked. "yeah, and i'm having twins" said the blonde. "how can you know that being so early" asked the neighbor. the blonde answered " i took a twin pack pregnancy test and both came out positive."


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

there were 2 muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says "it's hot in here" the other one says "Oh no a talking muffin"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

Jaxter said:


> there were 2 muffins in an oven, one turns to the other and says "it's hot in here" the other one says "Oh no a talking muffin"


i was gonna say that, thats one of my favorite jokes!


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

cheese said:


> A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
> The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
> 
> "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.


I've heard that one it is a good one


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

A tourist made a mad dash down the dock, gathered himself up, and dove over 5 feet of water to land on the deck of a ferry. "I made it!" he announced proudly. "yeah" said the deck hand. "But this boat is on the way in."


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

the old farmer finally decided to buy some life ensurance, but because he was in his 70s he had to take a rigorous physical.
"Ever have any serious illnesses" asked the doctor
"Nope"
"what about accidents"
"Nope"
"weren't you at the doctors getting your leg set last week"
"yup"
"what happened to it"
"bull tossed me over the fence"
"well that was an accident wasn't it"
"nope. he did it on purpose!"


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## RedRubber (Nov 8, 2011)

cheese said:


> A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
> The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
> 
> "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

RedRubber said:


> A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
> The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
> 
> "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
































[/quote]everybody loves this joke


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## AKLEIN (Jan 28, 2012)

I'm living in a fairytale marriage,

when i come home the witch is on the couch.


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

AKLEIN said:


> I'm living in a fairytale marriage,
> 
> when i come home the witch is on the couch.


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

little red riding hood is walking through the woods when she sees the wolf hiding behind a bush. Playfully she slips behind him and taps him on the shoulder. 'My, what big eyes you have!' she says.
The wolf runs off and hides behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood follows him and taps him on the shoulder again. 'My, what a big nose you have!' she says.
The wolf yelps and dashes off to hide behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood sneaks up on him yet again, and again taps him on the shoulder. 'My, what big teeth you have!' she says. 
The wolf turns on her and shouts, 'Do you mind? I'm trying to have a cr*p!!


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

cheese said:


> little red riding hood is walking through the woods when she sees the wolf hiding behind a bush. Playfully she slips behind him and taps him on the shoulder. 'My, what big eyes you have!' she says.
> The wolf runs off and hides behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood follows him and taps him on the shoulder again. 'My, what a big nose you have!' she says.
> The wolf yelps and dashes off to hide behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood sneaks up on him yet again, and again taps him on the shoulder. 'My, what big teeth you have!' she says.
> The wolf turns on her and shouts, 'Do you mind? I'm trying to have a cr*p!!










funny


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

why did the cell phone wear glasses?
it lost its contacts!


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"


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## Jaxter (Jan 23, 2012)

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.​The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

Jaxter said:


> OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.​The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
> The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. 

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' 

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'


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## jskeen (Feb 7, 2011)

So this guy is in the locker room at the Y, and a big fat guy walks out of the shower. The first guy looks at him and thinks "gee what a slob" and he says, "good grief dude, when was the last time you saw your Dick?" The fat guy says "I dunno, but it's been a long time." So the first guy says "why don't you diet?" and the fat guy says...........

wait for it..................

"Why, what color is it now?"


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## jskeen (Feb 7, 2011)

Guy walks into a bar, and sets a wooden box down on the bar, opens it up, and lifts out a little tiny piano about a foot tall. The Bartender looks at it and says "That's pretty cool". The guy says, that's nothin, check this out. He knocks on the side of the box, and a little door opens, and a little bitty dude with long hair, wearing a tux walks out, sits down and starts playing!

The Bartender says, "that's flippin amazing, the story behind that has to be worth a beer" so he gets one, gives it to the guy and sits down. The guy says "Ok, I was walking down a beach a while back and I saw a piece of metal sticking out of the sand. I dug it up and it was an old metal lamp. I wiped some of the sand off of it, and this deaf Genie pops out"

And the bartender says "wait a minute, how do you know the genie was deaf?" ..........

Wait for it...............

And the guy says "you don;t really think i wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

whats the fastest way to clear out a locker room?
point at someones package and yell "nice!"


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## cheese (Nov 16, 2011)

jskeen said:


> Guy walks into a bar, and sets a wooden box down on the bar, opens it up, and lifts out a little tiny piano about a foot tall. The Bartender looks at it and says "That's pretty cool". The guy says, that's nothin, check this out. He knocks on the side of the box, and a little door opens, and a little bitty dude with long hair, wearing a tux walks out, sits down and starts playing!
> 
> The Bartender says, "that's flippin amazing, the story behind that has to be worth a beer" so he gets one, gives it to the guy and sits down. The guy says "Ok, I was walking down a beach a while back and I saw a piece of metal sticking out of the sand. I dug it up and it was an old metal lamp. I wiped some of the sand off of it, and this deaf Genie pops out"
> 
> ...


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## tnflipper52 (Jan 26, 2012)

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. "I am the strongest, most powerful man here," he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, John had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said "All right. Get in."


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## tnflipper52 (Jan 26, 2012)

One day theres a couple of kids in a phycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"
To which Little Johnny replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"

How about it. Was anyone a Little Johnny when you were a little fella?


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## tnflipper52 (Jan 26, 2012)

During a more or less friendly argument, Jock asked his wife why she married him in the first place. His wife quickly replied: "I was just stupid, I suppose" Jock surprised his wife by saying he was happy with that reason. Of course, his wife wanted to know why and he explained: "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love. But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."


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## flipgun (Nov 14, 2012)

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, sits at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes the monkey jumps down on the bar and takes a big drink and immediately begins to act the fool. It ate all of the peanuts on the bar, got into the fruit for the drinks and jumped from the bar and lands on the pool table into the middle of a game. It grabs the cueball and swallows it. The bartender yells, "Get that danged monkey out of here and don't come back until it learns to behave!"

Two weeks later the guy comes back with the monkey, which now set quietly on the bar and was quite charming. So much so that people started giving it treats. It would take each treat and stick it up his bum then eat it. The bartender finally asks, "Why is it doing that?"

The man replies, "Its measuring to make sure it fits. After pooping that cueball, he's not taking any chances."


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## tnflipper52 (Jan 26, 2012)

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


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